You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
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[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I am patiently waiting for your email
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there