The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
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Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.