Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.