I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣