If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
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[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.