I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
What kind of a cult is this?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly