In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???