Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
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The French cow says MEUX…
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“Sheer Arrogance”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.