They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray