You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
#JohnTravolta
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.