These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Everyone’s family
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken