If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
You Might Also Like
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.