Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Go hard or stay average
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon