Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
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GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
wow he looks just like him
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it