No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.