Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*