It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
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I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start