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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
*seductively corrects your posture*
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.