Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?