Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer