Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
i was baptized in a car wash
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT