That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
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In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My birthstone is kidney
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Anyone really
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?