kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call