If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
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It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I’m awake but I object,
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown