[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
You Might Also Like
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely