I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
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At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.