idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
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Can. I. Help. You.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Noted.
Spa day..😅
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*