Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Swedish for common sense.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]