Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
When news reporters do sports stories
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.