Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
When you’re Kinky but poor
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too