“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same