My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE