taking June’s advice to heart
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MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.