A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My nickname in high school was “who?”
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
new wife guy just dropped