Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
For those that worship cheese..
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀