Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
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I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee