Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
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Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
sistine chapel
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..