Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.