Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Sharon, call the vet
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Wait for it
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.