Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree