Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
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Just me?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.