[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
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A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
handsome & gretel
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”