What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
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#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Alexa: *deep breath*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
This is so me 😂😂
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
canadian assassins are called killergrams