Expect the unexporcupine.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere