ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.