[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
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Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.