I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
reviewed some movies recently
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training