They say women only use 10% of their anger
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?