My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing