[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
We found love in a hopeless place.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”